Manifest Destiny

The answer to our identity crisis

Carson Jerema Staff

Like most good Canadians, I am woefully confused as to what constitutes our identity. We are often told that we are health-care loving multicultural peacekeepers who wish no one any harm. But this identity still fails to unite us, and we feel the constant need to assert our independence.

We are a country built with the ever-present threat of manifest destiny from the south. Now with oil resources dwindling away, our friends the Americans may feel a renewed passion to rule the whole continent. Don’t act like it can’t happen. In a recent Globe and Mail story, it was revealed that the Americans had plans to invade us in the 1930s, and apparently we had a pre-emptive attack plan. The plan basically consisted of attacking the northern states and running like hell back to our igloos.

This time, I say we shouldn’t even bother trying to fight back. When the Americans come — and they will — we should greet them as liberators. We’re about due for a good liberation, and the Americans could use an easy target. Freedom is the only way; once you go blue you’ll never go back, I’m sure of it.

Now I know some of you may be skeptical, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to us. Instead of struggling to define ourselves in every possible way to show that we are not American, we should just accept it. I mean, ask yourself, what better national identity is there than American? You get to pledge allegiance to the flag, carry a gun and — best of all — rule the world. What could be better than that?

Tim Horton’s, which has been owned by Wendy’s for some time now, will no longer be a foreign company. And if Calgary loses in the playoffs again, it won’t matter if Phoenix wins; we will all be brethren. As for health care, well, we’ve been debating privatization for some time; annexation will solve this for us and we will never have to think about it again. After all, we’ll be members of the greatest nation in history.

It will be good for the Americans, too, because they have got to be on the verge of a draft, and who better to call up for reserves than stout, hardworking lumberjacks and fishermen? Wow, I can feel the freedom reigning over me already. We can also probably convince the Americans to adopt portions of our political system, at least the part about leaders being able to stay in power for decades, like Mackenzie King. Just think of how exhilarating it will be to crown Bush emperor for life — I’m tingling. And for us, well, we’ll finally be able to vote-in our senators.

I’m sure that some of you are still skeptical. But consider this: the exploitation that we have suffered at the hands of the Americans through years of free trade will no longer be relevant. There will be no more international free trade; the battle will have been won. And for those of you who are still skeptical, there will no longer be a need to feel jealous of Americans because they get to protest the government for being in Iraq, because it will be your government, too. Now that’s unity.

There is one kink, though: Quebec will probably put up a fight. But in America national unity is never a problem. What other possible purpose do nuclear weapons serve? Stephen Harper will be elated; he’ll be vice-president, and him and Bush can wear matching cowboy hats to the UN.

That’s another thing, we will have a permanent seat on the Security Council. We’ve always prided ourselves on being internationalists, and after annexation we actually will be. And seeing as American greenhouse gas emissions have been growing almost half as slow as ours, we will look good on Kyoto.

So you see, by allowing the Americans to liberate us, we can solve our identity crisis, end the health-care and free trade debates, and never have to worry about losing another hockey championship!

Manifest destiny: bring it on.

Carson Jerema is Comment Editor of the Manitoban.